Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
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Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
When you don’t understand how floors work
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.