The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
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I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Acronyms got me like WTF?
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend