I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
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Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Möther may I have a snäck
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
When news reporters do sports stories
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are