“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
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People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
what my late-night hot pocket sees
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
📽️movie date🎞️
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.