[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
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A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
How wrong was this guy?
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.