I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
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Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Ken is short for chicken