A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
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All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.