If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended đź‘Ť
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I’d love this…lol
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.