Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
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You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.