Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
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Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Donating blood today to make room for more food
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.