Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
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You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
How is it still this week?
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!