It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
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“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
me when I see my crush
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.