December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
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its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Looking at you, Jesus.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
New menu item
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”