Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
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*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Actually cracking up @ this
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.