My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
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I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.