George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
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This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Ain’t no way
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”