Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
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Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?