Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
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[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
is it earth
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.