how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
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can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Baking is just science you can eat.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.