I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
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No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Breaking news:
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest