I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
You Might Also Like
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa