every. time.
You Might Also Like
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
sin harder.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Day 2 of my diet
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off