I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
You Might Also Like
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
tourist season
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Good morning.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.