basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
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I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
True freaking story!
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
You’ll be OK
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”