Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
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[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
How do dragons blow out candles?
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that