“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
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Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Baller is short for ballerina
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??