Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
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I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.