My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
#DesignFail
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Cow it started Cow it’s going
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.