[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
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I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
this is what they would have looked like, though
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.