Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
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Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.