him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
You Might Also Like
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot