My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
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PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?