Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
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ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive