I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
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Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die