You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
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I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.