Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
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Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
$3 #books
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Google reviews are always so mixed..