UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
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Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT