Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
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asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted