My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
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“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos