Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
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According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute