My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
You Might Also Like
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Follow me for more recipes
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.