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My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.