WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
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sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom