I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
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If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Once again not all heroes wear capes
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
same energy
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking