Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
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Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Doormats are a gateway rug.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Me checking my bank balance online.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
twitter is a journey
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
don’t be scared
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.