The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
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I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
PLEASE READ
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.