Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
You Might Also Like
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.