I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
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It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
asking santa clause for nudes
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.