Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
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No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Happy thanksgiving!
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry