Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
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My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
i did the math
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos